HIKARI: This Hateful Helplessness January 5, 2011

Salam.

lately saya banyak kali down.

bak kata rabiatul (besfren dr sesma yg juga di paed)

“aku rasa mcm aku dok dalam neverending helplessness yg xtau dah nk kuar kot mana”

exactly!

bila org tanya nape tensen,

saya x reti nak cakap mcm mana.

hari tu saya ternangis.

di wad.

malu weyh.

malu!

sebelumnya saya oncall bersama rabiatul.

kami berdua sama2 1styear, saya 1st posting manakala rabiatul 2nd posting.

sangat berdebar.

malam tu kami langsung langsung x dpt tidur.

admission tak henti2.

esoknya, kena marah dgn HOD.

dihambur dgn kata2 yg mengguris hati, limpa, paru2 dan sbgnya.

bayangkan;

24 jam xtdo, dgn penat mental n fizikal.

then lepas tu kna marah seolah2 kita ni x buat keje pape mlm tu

“what have you been doing in this past 24hours?”

“you shouldnt claim your oncall.”

“you dont know your patient?”

“you should donate your scholar la”

“both of u cant even manage 1 ward??”

“u have no passion at all. i’m amazed.why are u here huh?”

“u both should write an explaination letter why i shouldnt extend you.”

you heard such things,

after a sleepless night attending patients.

it hurts.

actually i dont even care if i get extended,

because i’m doing this to be blessings to others.

and if staying here longer can make me more competent,

i dont mind.

but i do mind when he make it sounds like i dont care.

i care!

lalu saya pon melepaskan perasaan dlm toi-toi.

nangis puas2.

setel.

mula2 saya kagum jugak dgn rabiatul sbb mcm tabah je,

namun ptgnya turn dia plak nangis.adehla

huhu

ikutkan hati mmg nak lari je.

dah ramai dh HO yg hilang tanpa berita kt sini.

memanglah

ikutkan hati, mmg saya nak lari.

curhat dgn muthiah,

rasa mcm dh jadi robot.

dpt pegi program sekali skala pun cukup bermakna dah.

hari tu jumpa sisters kt post mortem mukhayyam,

ade sorg akhwat menegur saya,

“abes tu kalo awak x dpt buat apa2, baik awak xyah posting kt sini.”

“kak *** bleh je wat sume benda masa dia HO?”

ah.

hatiku terguris.

because again, it sounds like i dont care.

i care!

saya pon tensen ngn diri saya.

keje fail, DnT fail.

haa camnilah.

sapa setuju saya quit jd doctor angkat tangan?

 

-yang dah turun 5 kg since start keje-

 

p/s: jika anda belum kenal saya, saya mmg berterus terang orangnya.